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Skinny and Struggling (Skinny J)

November 8, 2011

I am 33 years old. I have had 3 kids, all boys. They are now 6.5yrs, 2.5yrs, and 10 months old. I have been skinny all my life and made fun of for it. When I was in my early 20’s I enjoyed my body. I was a dancer, but I had nice boobs, and I finally didn’t care what other people said, even though I was accused a lot of being anorexic.. which I WASN’T and never have been. After 3 kids (6 pregnancies), I somehow still stay thin, but have lost any curve I ever had. I look like a 14 year old boy. Being pregnant and having curves let me know what it was like to be a woman.. and now I’ve lost it. I fear that my husband liked my body a lot more before, though he won’t say anything because he is a gentleman. I fear being around women with nice boobs, or boobs at all because I don’t want to catch him looking.. I don’t want him wanting them. I even get jealous when watching TV or movies.. and not just of nice breasts, but any woman that LOOKS LIKE A WOMAN.

They don’t make feminine clothes for women who have the shape of boys. I have no luck finding bras that work, since there really isn’t anything to put in one besides nipples, but I need the coverage (if you have breast fed 3 babies, you would know why).

I have considered a boob job. Nothing big, but just enough to actually wear clothes I want to. I actually was about 10 minutes from being put under for one when I found out I was pregnant with my third. Now because of other issues with my health, I am not sure I want to ever go through with it. My husband says he doesn’t care either way, but I know there would be no argument if I had one done. :(

I wish I could accept my body. I wish I didn’t care that I was so tiny. I wish I could believe my husband could still find me attractive.

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6 Responses to “Skinny and Struggling (Skinny J)”

  1. Michelle Says:
    November 8th, 2011 at 10:52 am

    After struggling for a very very long time with my self esteem (for about 10 years now), one day I just decided I was going to stop the negative self talk. Every time a negative thought came into my head about my body I consciously directed my thoughts elsewhere. And I started telling myself positive things, even though I didn’t believe them at first. I just said them to be saying them.

    Around that same time a friend of mine who is an aspiring photographer asked me to pose for him for fun. I was extremely nervous but I said yes. These weren’t racy photographs at all, mostly just natural style although I did wear some light costume elements like hats, etc. As our date to do it approached I was so nervous I canceled on him. He convinced me to reschedule and the second time I did it.

    The photographs I got back were wonderful. I was shocked, it didn’t even look like me. I realized then that all those pictures of models and celebrities have a TON to do with makeup, hair artists, and post-processing and not nearly as much to do with their real selves. I “knew” that before but until I saw that even I could take gorgeous photographs in the right lighting and angles, I finally understood it was true of everyone else too.

    So the two things I would say to you are: stop the negative self talk. You will be amazed at how quickly it takes effect and how enormous the results will be for you. The second thing I would say is, find something that makes YOU feel sexy. Such as having good pictures taken, getting a new completely different haircut, starting to take dance lessons again, whatever it is that makes YOU feel strong and powerful. The main thing is, it absolutely must be something you are doing for you – not for your husband or anyone else.

    I think if you do that you will go a long way toward accepting your body. And you will also know if the augmentation is the right decision for the right reasons, or if it wouldn’t actually make you feel better.

  2. ann Says:
    November 8th, 2011 at 11:44 am

    I recently went in for a consultation too look into breast implants.I Have never had large breasts, but after nursing two children they seem so…empty. deflated. I used to think that getting breast implants would be shallow, fake, and for someone elses benefit, but there is one thing i learned after my last birth…Sometimes you need to do something FOR YOU.
    I don’t wear makeup for other people. I wear makeup for ME. because with a well applied shadow and some stunning eyeliner I feel like I could do it all! It makes me feel powerful, strong, and gives me energy. So does a tight pair of pants, and rocking high heels. I literally wear high heels everywhere I go, even nine months pregnant. Someone once asked me why I would ever wear heels like that for someone, and I laughed. No one else likes my heels, and some may even think they are shallow. but ya know what? I didn’t put them on for them. I put them on for me. A few inches to my height makes me feel like a conqueror. I am not telling you to get implants, or to not get implants. I’m not telling you anything about what you should do, because you are you. All I am saying is that whatever you do, do it for YOU. Not for him, not for anyone else. Confidence is the sexiest most powerful feeling there is. Be confident, and radiate confidence, and it will shine back on you and all your efforts in life.

  3. Indya Says:
    November 8th, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    I don’t know what to tell you, except that you aren’t alone. Reading this I burst into tears….I feel alot like you do, and I am seriously considering implants, and worry that “I’m not as good as I once was”…Even with all the encouragement of my hubby. I wish you the best, and hope we both find a way to be at peace with our bodies….however we need to do that.

  4. Jami Says:
    November 9th, 2011 at 8:35 am

    Your post hit home for me on so many levels. I’ve been a skinny girl all my life. I know all about the accusations of eating disorders, the cruel names, the incessant ridicule about what I’m lacking. I know about clothes that never fit right. I know about wanting a boob job, just to get to a “normal” size so clothes fit, going for a B when everyone else wants Ds. And now, after carrying and nursing kids, I know about the changes, the results, and how it’s possible to loath your body more than before.

    What I don’t know, and wish I did, is how we accept ourselves, how we reconcile what we were with what we’ve become, how we set aside that self image and don a new one. All I can offer is empathy. I am deeply sorry you are suffering in this way, and I hope you can find a way to make peace with yourself. If that means a breast augmentation, if you are sure that will increase your self esteem and comfort in your skin, then do it. If that’s not the way for you anymore, that’s fine, too; major surgery is not for everyone, especially if there are other health complications. There’s no judging, as we all have to find a way to be happy within these bodies, and any way you find to do that, I’m all for it.

    On a side note, it sounds like your husband is supportive, but not quite supportive enough for what you need. Aside from improving your own insecurities within yourself, what could he do to help you dispel your insecurity about his feelings about your body? Could you discuss that with him? Maybe you would be surprised about how he actually feels. I may be insecure about myself and I may fantasize about what I think my husband wants, but in reality, he never fails to tell me he wants ME. He over-lavishes praise and compliments and reiterates all the time that he just wants me, however I am at that moment, and he wants me happy and confident and secure enough in my skin to be the carefree, sexual, playful person I once was. I need to make changes in my attitude for ME, but in the meantime, at least I have a target to shoot for in regards to his desires/our relationship, KWIM? Perhaps a heart-to-heart with hubby could help set you on a better path, and get him to be more supportive in the way that you need, or at least help you set aside some of the insecurity. Again, I’m sorry for your pain, and I wish you comfort and happier days with yourself in the future.

  5. PartlySunny Says:
    November 10th, 2011 at 10:41 pm

    We’re all just out of our heads, aren’t we? Because what’s so sad is that there are women all over the world who’d give almost anything to look just like you.

    But then, I’ll bet you’re positively beautiful.:)

  6. FourthOnTheWay Says:
    April 25th, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    I am going through this!! I used to be large breasted…to the point where they drew so much attention I wanted to have them reduced….after breastfeeding, they simply disappeared! Worse, I have the skin, but no tissue IN them. They’ve been sucked compeltely empty. I’ve now nursed 3 babies and have my fourth on the way. My husband is happy when I get pregnant, then sadly says goodbye to them when I stop nursing. It’s depressing to know that I’m a shell of what I once was. He has even told me in the past that that asset was the very reason he was first interested in me. All gone.

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