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A Struggle Every Day (Heather)

March 13, 2012

Tubby. Fatty. Butterball. Elephant. Fatass. Jelly rolls. These are the names I’ve been taunted with. These are the titles I associated myself with rather than smart, funny, good friend, good listener, kind, and supportive. I was miserable. I felt undesirable as a friend, a girlfriend, and a future wife. Why would anyone want a fat girl? How could anyone love someone so ugly? 5 years ago, when I was 15, I reached my highest weight at 190lbs. At 5’7″, this was simply my breaking point. I decided to make a change. I was sick and tired of being tormented by my classmates. I wanted to be happy, to be healthy. I became a vegetarian on August 12th, 2007. I also watched my portions and counted calories. In 6 months, I went from 190lbs to 130lbs. In that time frame, I had my first real boyfriend, was noticed and complimented by my peers, and suddenly wasn’t being attacked anymore. It lead me to believe that, in order to have friends or a boyfriend, I had to be thin.

This realization sent me into a whirlwind of food deprivation, self-hate, and mood swings. I began to notice every stretch mark, any bit of skin that wasn’t as tight as it could me. I weighed myself 10 times a day to see if I had managed to lose a pound or 2 more. I wanted so badly to be like a model in a magazine. It killed me to know that I didn’t look like them and probably never would. After I graduated high school and broke up with the guy I had been with for 2 years, I found myself lost and unsure of myself. I relied on attention from guys to make myself feel better, even if that meant I was with someone who didn’t treat me how I deserved. After many failed relationships with guys who didn’t appreciate me, cheated on me, or put me down, I finally found a man who supports me and loves me for who I am. He knows I still struggle on a daily basis about food and body image, but he is there for me and will not give up on me.

Everyday is different for me. Sometimes, I wake up and see a beautiful woman in the mirror. Others, I only see skin that has not caught up from my weight loss, cellulite, and a small chest. I want so desperately to feel beautiful everyday, but sometimes, it feels hopeless. I feel that only time can heal the wounds of my past, along with support from my friends and loved ones.

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4 Responses to “A Struggle Every Day (Heather)”

  1. Tish - No More Plus Size Says:
    March 13th, 2012 at 8:33 am

    Wow I could have write this post myself! I’m in my late 30’s and still struggle with the weight, bad relationships, etc!

  2. Vanessa Says:
    March 13th, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    I wish I could look like you!

  3. DLH Says:
    March 14th, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    You’re really, really pretty! You have a lovely tummy and lovely skin (BUT you would still be lovely even if your tummy wasn’t flat and skinny). Though it is hard to feel beautiful every day, especially when you’ve been ‘taught’ in your past NOT to see yourself in that way. But pat yourself on the back for every day you do feel beautiful and happy in yourself – and I think, at least, that you definitely, objectively are. :)

  4. Shana M. Says:
    March 30th, 2012 at 9:37 am

    Congrats on the weight loss!! I think your body looks great! I think most everybody has their “ugly” days but your an inspiration for other people who need motivation to loose weight (including me!!). :)

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