Whitney emailed this to me via SOAM a couple of weeks ago, not knowing about TIAW. I asked her if she’d like me to post it here and she agreed. Posts like this are exactly what TIAW is for. <3 -Bonnie
I’ve known of your website for many years but I’ve never had the courage to write in. I’m afraid I don’t belong because the thing is, I’m not a mother. I’ve never had a baby. I’ve never had sex. I’ve never had a boyfriend, or even kissed a man. It is all because I am so ashamed and embarrassed of my body. It is deformed and I can’t even proclaim it’s from the beauty of being a mother.
I’m 22 years old and my breasts are incredibly asymmetrical. I know most women have this problem, but with me it is to an extreme. My right breast is a full C-cup. My deformed left breast is a flat AA-cup. It has always been this way, and because of it, I have never felt beautiful a day in my life. I see every day how big, perfect breasts are worshipped and it is a painful reminder that I will never have a husband or a baby because no one could ever love my stupid breasts. Any man would laugh me right out of the bedroom and ask for a marriage annulment immediately.
I honestly don’t know what to do. It depresses me so much I can’t even put into words. It seeps into every aspect of my life. I can’t feel happy for long about anything without thinking about my breasts. They always bring my mood crashing down again. I know you can have gel pads put into your bra, and I’ve tried this, only to bawl my eyes out when I take them out. It makes me feel worse because it makes me feel like I have to be fake to be even remotely sexy or beautiful.
Every website I try to visit just pumps surgery, surgery, surgery. None of them have offered any suggestions on how to love your body the way it is. That’s what I WANT to do, desperately. I’m a college student struggling every day just to pay my tuition, there is no way I could afford surgery and again, it just feels fake to me. I want to look into the mirror naked and feel beautiful for once in my life, with my body the way it is. I want to accept and love myself, but I don’t know how or if I ever will. I was hoping maybe you or someone at your site could help me, because I feel like I am at the end of my rope.
October 23rd, 2012 at 9:28 am
my left breast is a B cup and my right is a DD. i struggle with this so much. no matter what i say to myself about it, i DO feel badly about it, and i’m not sure how to change that. however, what i CAN change is the way i react to that feeling.
if i have the thought, “my breasts are so uneven,” followed by the reaction of “and it looks so bad, and bras never fit me right, and tops always look lopsided on me, and it’s terrible” then i tend to want to stay in the house all the time and not let other people see me. however, if the reaction that follows is “and i think everyone has unevenness that others don’t always notice, and i want to remember what that woman in a salon once told me – that they are SISTERS, not IDENTICAL TWINS” then i feel a little better.
talking about this with others has helped so much. so many of my friends whose “imperfections” i’ve NEVER noticed are self-conscious about having one larger foot, one larger breast, one larger or lower-hanging testicle, one longer leg, etc. and to them, they see it as horrible deformity. although actually, it’s much more UNLIKELY to be perfectly uniform on both sides. we all tend to have unevenness because we are human, not robots.
so… i’m not sure how helpful this is, but for me, every time i get down about this, i remember the saying “they are sisters, not identical twins,” and i feel better.
i am married, but i’ve had a lot of difficulty accepting that my husband could find me attractive. and i once was in front of the mirror naked, denigrating myself, and he tried to tell me i’m beautiful and i flipped out on him. “can you not really SEE me??? can you not SEE that one breast is huge and the other is petite? can you not SEE all these flaws?” and he was quiet, and upset, because he feels like i’m being rudely judgmental of him and what he finds attractive. and then he asked me if i’ve ever noticed that one testicle hangs lower on him. no, i didn’t. have i noticed that he gets acne and cysts on his face and back? yes, i have. sometimes the acne or cyst feels huge to him, like it takes over all of him, and that it could never be thought of as anything besides gross. however… i actually rarely notice it. his eyebrows are uneven. his eyes are set unevenly.
i’ve also been looking at other people to notice this. and there are beautiful people out there who have the same unevenness… i just notice it much more in MYSELF than in anyone ELSE. and that’s true for everyone. if you keep beating yourself up about it, that’s all you’ll be able to see and all you’ll be able to show anyone else. but if you embrace the fact that you – like everyone else – are imperfect, and that any future mate of yours would also be imperfect and thus have NO good reason to be able to judge/laugh/annul simply because of your boob size, it might make it easier.
i also try to think of it this way… if anyone’s going to hate me because of the way i look in a certain area, great. hate me. get out of my life. saves me the trouble of finding out they’re a shallow prick. i would never do that to someone – it’s not in line with my values – and i would never accept someone doing that to me. if someone did, it’s not a reflection on me and my looks but rather them and their inability to perceive that perfection doesn’t exist in humanity and that what’s actually beautiful is reality, which is imperfection.
October 23rd, 2012 at 9:45 am
The road to loving yourself is a long hard journey. I wish I had some magical advice to give you, but I don’t. I would suggest therapy or counseling. Those are the only things that have helped me stop the negative thoughts, and self loathing. Just know you aren’t alone.
October 23rd, 2012 at 1:18 pm
Hi Whitney, You’re the girl I’ve been wanting to talk to my whole life. I am 33 years old and have the same interesting and unique body form! You are not alone! In fact there are many of us out here although unfortunately we never know who is who and don’t get to talk to each other in person, so we feel we are existing alone.
I think the first thing to remember is that you are not deformed and I’d encourage you to ban that word from your thought vocabulary right away. You are fearfully and wonderfully made by the Lord our God and He thinks he’s done a great job on you! In fact your AA breast will very likely nurse a child just as well as your C breast (and maybe better, you really never know). The size difference does not impact functionality. So rather than viewing yourself with one dud boob, you actually have TWO very good functioning breasts. Furthermore, smaller breasts generally have greater sensitivity, so your AA breast might be even more of an erogenous zone than the other. Your future partner is not at some sort of disadvantage by having a woman like you.
You are a WHOLE PERSON and not the sum of your body parts. What makes you a woman is the whole package of personhood. Your caring, love, attitude, intelligence, humor, all of it. Your future man wants to love all of you, including your lovely breasts. Being less-than-enthusiastic about your breast shape does not somehow discount your entire personhood. It is more of a turn-off to be with a woman who is constantly depressed and negative. (It is one of a man’s greatest thrills to sexually please a woman. He cares more about his ability to please YOU. You can worry less about pleasing him. He’s pretty darn grateful to be getting some action.) It is also important to remember that men can have concerns too. There are 25 year old guys you know right now that are freaking out over a receding hairline, or gray hair, or feeling chubby, or acne, or feeling short. None of those things define them as men worthy of love or define their abilities as future husbands or fathers. So I hope you find a man of good character. He’s looking for a lady of good character, like you!
Only the Devil would make God’s beautiful people believe they were ugly. Don’t let the Devil inside of you any more. When you feel that deep sadness, grab it up, ball it up and toss it away from you and then PRAISE THE LORD for your gift of a body, your abundant health, and a body and spirit that is here to love and serve.
October 23rd, 2012 at 1:40 pm
I would like to wrap you up in a big hug and sing you songs to heal your heart. I’m thinking of “True Colours” right now. I love that you don’t see surgery as an option. I love that you are focused on finding a way to love yourself just as you are. As a mother, I can tell you this – my experience of my body as a home for a baby to grow in, and my experience of my breasts as a life-giving source of milk that my baby giggled about and rejoiced over has forever changed my relationship to my body. I am a single mom, and I do still struggle over sharing my own appreciation of my body with a man and feeling confident that he could have the same appreciation, but the fact is that I LOVE my body. I encourage you to start with gratitude for your body, for what it does for you, for its potential. We know that gratitude is the antidote to nearly everything negative that happens in our minds and hearts. If you can manage your thoughts, constantly shifting from thoughts of lack to thoughts of gratitude, you will see a shift in how you feel. Many, many women with bigger imperfections than you are in loving relationships with amazing men who worship them, and are comfortable with their imperfections. I don’t say that in any way to minimize the feelings you are having, because you come by those feelings honestly (see MissRepresentation movie) considering the culture you are living in. At the same time, the cultural messages you are receiving are not true. You ARE lovable, imperfect and beautiful. Your lucky guy will be an appreciator of small and large breasts, and will feel that he gets both options when he gets you!! And he will see your sensitive spirit, your heart, your mind, and the you-ness that makes you the one and only you, and he will be so grateful for ALL of you. I love this quote: “The Universe had an idea, and it was YOU!” I don’t know if this is helpful, but I wanted to share. I am sending so much love and strength to you. A friend of mine, Kelly Falardeau, who was burned badly as a young girl has this website: http://www.loveyourlittleparts.com. Her story is very inspirational and may also be a source of inspiration for you. Love, love, love.
October 23rd, 2012 at 3:31 pm
Oh sweetie, I know how you feel! My right breast has always been larger than my left–sometimes barely so, sometimes more. By the end of my first year of college I was looking at a good two or so cup sizes different, and I was SO incredibly self-conscious about it. I ultimately went to a doctor because it bothered me so much. She told me both were healthy, and prescribed birth control pills–the idea being that regulating my hormones might help. It did, a lot, though they’re never 100% even. It’s more noticeable when I’m not on the pill. I’m currently nursing my second baby, so they’re different sizes right now. The larger breast produces slightly more milk, but the smaller one has a perfectly adequate supply as well. The size does not affect their functionality at all. Fortunately, nursing bras are mostly non-underwire, so they tend to just mush together in the middle and the asymmetry is barely noticeable to me. My first SOAM post has the closest I have to pre-pregnancy pictures (I was 9 weeks into my first pregnancy)…I had been off of birth control for about 3 months at that point, they weren’t that bad; if you’d like to see: http://theshapeofamother.com/blog/coming-to-grips-with-a-cesarean-colleen/
Shortly after I started dating my husband, he took a series of artistic nude photographs of me (I’d known him for some time, so it’s not like I just let some dude I’d just met take nekkid pictures!). They came out really well, but I can’t stand the ones that are straight-on, because that was my most uneven period ever. The smaller breast just looks like it’s wasting away compared to the big one. And you know what? He didn’t care at all! I just asked him if it bothered him that they were so uneven (I started taking BC shortly after we got together), and he said, “no, I didn’t really notice. Boobs are boobs, I was just excited to get to see them at all!”
Beauty is so much more than a pair of breasts. It’s more than the sum of your physical features, even. Beauty is found in how you feel about yourself, and the love that others have for you. The plainest of faces can be radiant when regarding a loved one. One perceived flaw does not cancel out any of your beauty. Who knows, maybe someday your small breast will be the only one your child wants to suckle from. Maybe someday you will watch your child grow fat and strong off of that breast you hate so much right now. Not all men are shallow and focused on looks. Someday you will meet one who loves you, and all of your parts, whether they match or not.
October 23rd, 2012 at 3:45 pm
I really like the messages the other commenters have already shared. One thing I notice about your post is your concern regarding how a man might view you…and I just have to say that I really think we are far more critical of ourselves and our own perceived imperfections than men are. Men, really, are generally way less critical of womens’ bodies than we are of our own. If you look through other posts on here and on SOAM, you’ll notice an overwhelming theme (with some exceptions, of course, but they’re exceptions, not the norm) of women who are down on their bodies…but they say “my husband thinks I’m beautiful”. Just my little bit of feedback…of course it’s best for you to find the beauty in yourself rather than look for someone else to reflect it for you (and I think that is why you came to this sight), but I just thought I’d address that part of your post. Peace to you.
October 23rd, 2012 at 5:54 pm
I’m crying not only from the post but also the amazing comments.
I just like to add that indeed you are a whole person, not the sum of your body parts. Being in love with my husband I can tell you that if he lost his arm or leg or had some other thing happen to his body or face, that I would still find him attractive… because it so much more than skin deep that attracts you physically to a person. Its who he is that makes him so sexy to me.
Also, I personally think breasts are beautiful even when they don’t match… out bodies are amazing.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself. Don’t be afraid to go out there and love someone else. If you don’t risk love, you’ll never get the chance to find it.