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In which we get deep into self-esteem issues, their causes and how to really see them.
10 days ago, I had never heard the term “gaslighting” and then last week I came across it three separate times. Clearly The Universe wants me to share this with you.
Gaslighting is, basically, when a person is led to believe they are crazy by someone around them, in order that that someone can be in control of the situation. It involves a disregard for the victim’s feelings, lies about the truth, and invalidating reality.
Essentially, I think there are two forces at work here: the gaslighting that occurs on an individual level between two people or within small groups of people and which can target either sex, and the global gaslighting that targets the women in our society in general and which is inflicted upon the female half by both men and women. Both are major issues, but the global one will be harder to change. Awhile back I read The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf (which is a must-read for all women, IMO). She talks a lot about the patriarchy and how women fit into it, and how feminism is a rather one-step-forward-two-steps-back process. Only she worded it better than I did, maybe. It’s an incredible resource and knowing and understanding the patriarchy in power is, I think, the prerequisite to understanding how gaslighting works on that global level. Putting it into my own words, the collective conscious and subconscious of our culture does whatever it takes to keep the patriarchy in power because the patriarchy IS the culture. It’s almost innocent, the desire to keep things as we know them. But it is, of course, much darker than that.
Gaslighting on a global level discredits women, but you can work to stop it. How? Easy. Stop discrediting yourself. Don’t down talk your looks, personality or abilities. Just don’t. No need for modesty, own your awesome. Stop apologizing for things you shouldn’t be apologizing for. Stop pointing out all your flaws, instead point out how gorgeous you are (YES YOU ARE). Because once we stop discrediting ourselves, we won’t want to allow anyone else to do it, either. And then the Big Changes will come. How exciting!
I don’t typically make New Year’s Resolutions, but I want you to make this one. Raise your right hand. Are you ready? Cause I’m serious. Do it. OK. Now repeat this:
I resolve to take myself seriously. I resolve to stop verbally abusing myself. I resolve to not allow anyone to gaslight me.
Now sign your name here in the comments. I’ll be checking in with you through the year.
~Worthless Women and the Men Who Made Them
~This one is coming from a very similar place, but I think it is a better article on a number of levels.
~OK, seriously, this article just came across my Facebook feed WHILE I WAS WRITING THIS. See? The Universe loves you and wants you to love yourself just as much.
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A little early this week (to make up for all the weeks it’s late?) because I expect to be without a real computer for a few days. Have a great week, everyone!
~Stuff I pinned on my TIAW, Wisdom, and Stuff That’s Wrong boards.
~A safe, unbiased place for women to talk about their experiences with abortion.
~Because self-love is a choice. Truly.
~Top 10 reasons the BMI is bogus. Via NPR. I may have posted something like this recently, but I will continue to post it until it’s common knowledge. 😉
~There is nothing wrong with your body. There are no flaws.
~Who needs humans to model when you have computers to draw bodies?
A few weeks ago, I was sitting around a warm kitchen table with two of my best friends when one of them (I’ll call her Jane) mentioned wanting a boob job someday. She has lamented her breasts to me on more than one occasion, seeming to believe they were the only ones like hers in the world. I told her time and again, I see lots of boobs every day and I’ve seen lots like hers. But I don’t think she believed me. So on this occasion, our other friend said, “Show them to us.” Jane hesitated, but complied. And they were just as she described them. And they were normal. And they were beautiful.
And then our other friend lifted her shirt. And pretty soon we were all doing it. And then we took a photo. A group boob photo. You know. How you do.
Turns out, it’s very hard to take a group boob shot and get all the boobs in at once.
And it was empowering. So much.
It reminded me of one of my very favorite SOAM entries from way back in 2006. A group of moms who’d met through a playgroup and then become very close all got together and posed for a topless group photo. At the time I was a little jealous, and also a little relieved. I loved the sisterhood, the diversity, the love among all those women with different body types. I was a little nervous about stripping in front of friends.
Despite my claims that my friend’s boobs were well within the spectrum of normal and therefore beautiful, she was having a hard time accepting it. She doesn’t get online as much as I do, so I grabbed my phone and opened up my TIAW board on Pinterest and showed it to her. (Can I just say thank goodness for the interwebz? Srsly.) Interestingly, she picked out the thumbnail of this image, too small on my phone to read the text. Pointing to the bottom image she said, “See? THAT is beautiful!” I pulled up the full sized pin for her:
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I don’t know how deeply it settled into her mind and into her heart, but I do believe it made an impression. There is beauty in every body.
If my friend chooses to get a boob job, I will still love and respect her exactly the same as I do now. But my years working on SOAM, and my years spent working on learning to love myself both inside and outside have taught me that it really is possible to learn to love even unconventionally beautiful parts of our bodies. Furthermore, my theory is that cosmetic surgery is a band-aid, not treating the root of the problem. I wonder what, beyond her boobs, she would focus her self-abuse on? Another body part? An emotional aspect? A facet of her personality? Based on the work I have done in my own life, both in self-love, and in health issues, I find that treating the root of the problem tends to be the most wholly healing solution. Learning to truly and deeply love yourself, tends to result in, well, self-love. And the discovery of your beauty comes with that.
