~TIAW on Pinterest and Tumblr.
~A review I wrote over at SOAM about the new documentary Birth Story which is about Ina May Gaskin and the midwives of the Farm.
~I shared this comic on Tumblr, but there’s more to the story over at Epbot.
~Dooce writes about Mental Health Awareness Month. I remember a time in my life where things were very hard for me, and I was entirely unsupported because my depression and crippling anxiety were not understood. Really, I’d have given anything to feel better. Mental illness isn’t, like, this fun thing we do because we’re lazy (that would be Netflix). Share this post so that maybe one more person can understand it.
~I want this on a t-shirt.
~My daughter has never been into dolls and I’m too old for the American Girls doll trend so I’m largely oblivious to them. But I did notice the books at the library the other day and something in the back of my mind was disappointed. For one thing, there seems to be a recent explosion of new girls’s stories, and I wondered where they fit into history, and how they could possibly be quality when there was so much quantity. Also, they seemed to be far pinker. In terms of covers. DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, why must everything for girls be PINK? I read those books as a kid and LOVED THEM. And they were off-white. So THERE. Anyway. I digress. I guess I wasn’t alone in noticing this.

~TIAW on Tumblr and Pinterest.
~Where Louis CK gets me to want to marry him. (There is NOTHING hotter than a man who GETS it.)
~This is my new favorite website. Cervices! All the cervices! Goes well with 007 Breasts.
~This one keeps being shared on SOAM and TIAW Facebook walls and for good reason. It’s a beautifully written story of stretch marks.
~Seriously. I cannot WAIT for this next generation of strong, intelligent women and men to be in charge. Like this girl for example. Make her president right now!
~This has been a particularly awesome Awesome, but this is my favorite article. Things no one will tell fat girls.

source: haleymorriscafiero.com

So this thing started going around Tumblr last week (I can say that because I totally Tumbl now. How cool am I?). It’s a series of self portraits taken by a woman, Haley Morris-Cafiero, in public with the intent to collect reactions to her appearance. She is overweight and pretty, but seems otherwise unremarkable. In that she is not a freak show by any stretch of the imagination. In that, if I were to walk past her on the street, I wouldn’t notice her anymore than I’d notice anyone else. Except I might be jealous of her clothes because they’re pretty cute.

And yet, she feels that people react to her size. She feels the effects of fat discrimination and she wants to open up this for conversation in our culture. I’m down with that.

Only. Let’s back up for a minute and talk about something entirely different: bitchface.

A couple of weeks ago, I ran across this comic going around Facebook. I SO IDENTIFY WITH IT. I remember even way back in high school, struggling with chronic bitchface. I have a vivid memory of sitting at my locker feeling perfectly content, even happy, and having someone come up to me and ask with concern if I was ok. “Dude. I’m fine. That’s just my face.” My go-to thinking look is a frown. If I’m trying to remember what’s on my grocery list, I’m frowning. If I’m doing math, I’m frowning. If I’m thinking deeply about how to solve world problems and create a beautiful Earth, I’m probably frowning. I’m frowning right at this very minute as I try to think of other examples of frown-inducing thoughts I might have.

Thinking AND hugging my water bottle. It's how I roll.

On occasion, in public, I’ll find myself, lost in my own brain, making eye contact with a stranger. Just briefly. Just for a split second. But I sometimes wonder if, based on that split second, they think I’m angry with them. Or they judge me to be an angry person. Dude. That’s just my face.

One of the best lessons my friend Bethany has taught me is to never assume that someone is feeling a certain way or thinking a certain thing about you, because more often than not, they are dealing with something internal that has nothing to do with you at all. I find that following this philosophy not only makes my life simpler, but it also is usually correct. 99% of the time people aren’t thinking about me. As much as I like to believe I’m that awesome, it turns out that I’m just average. So, unless they tell me clearly that their issue is with me, I just assume it’s not. It works. Really.

Looking at these photographs, I see a bunch of people who are dealing with their own personal thoughts. Looking for a break in traffic to cross the road, glancing across the street, or talking with a friend about how best to pose. Even the photos which show people laughing provide no evidence that they are laughing at this woman’s body shape. Statistically it’s much more likely that they are laughing at something entirely different.

Are there people who publicly mock and humiliate overweight people? Of course. Unfortunately for us all, the world is full of assholes. Within the photo essay itself I question the motives of those two cops. Hopefully it was something innocent. But that’s the only picture that, without lack of other evidence, struck me as something that could be more sinister in intent. Morris-Cafiero wrote a piece over at Salon.com detailing what led her to start this project and some of her experiences while taking the self portraits. In one situation, she mentions that a girl stands beside her slapping her own belly while Morris-Cafiero stands next to her eating a gelato. I don’t know that that even counts as the evidence it’s presented as. People do lots of things with their own bodies that have nothing to do with anyone around them. Mouth noises, knuckle-cracking… I’ve certainly known people to have belly-smacking habits. I’m not convinced by that alone that it was commentary about this woman’s size. Overall I think that people on the street aren’t really paying attention to the people around them. And overall I think most people wouldn’t be cruel or bold enough to be that openly hateful.

In fact, in my almost seven years of listening to moms’ experiences on SOAM, I hear the opposite. When a woman who is overweight, or has stretchmarks, or any other unconventionally beautiful aspect to her finally finds the courage to wear shorts or put on a bikini at the beach, she usually finds that no one around her cares very much. That has certainly been my own personal experience.

I think that it is absolutely undeniable that there is significant fat discrimination in this culture. And I appreciate the effort to incite conversation about the subject. I just don’t think that making snap (pun not intended, but fully embraced) judgements about people and then posting those assumptions as facts on the internet for everyone to see is the right way to do it. Had these people been interviewed so we know what was really happening I would feel differently. As it is, I’m a little horrified at the project. I know that, if it were myself featured in one of her photos, I’d be so hurt to be labeled cruel, and so angry at the idea that the entire internet is talking about what a jerk they think I am.

So let’s keep talking about fat discrimination. Always. Talk loudly and often about it. But let’s figure out a way to do it without accusing possibly innocent people of bigotry.

I saw this today when I was out running errands. That’s my kind of graffiti. (Of course, I also like it when they put “HAMMERTIME” on stop signs. That is also my kind of graffiti.) Sometimes I think I live in this bubble of people who are more aware than the general public of the issues we discuss here at TIAW. So to come across something like this in the wild was heartening.

And after the tragedy earlier this week, I need heartening. You know what else helped me? Star Trek: The Next Generation. It’s so optimistic about humanity’s future. According to Gene Roddenberry, at some point we get our heads out of our asses and become reasonable and loving towards one another. Ultimately I am optimistic like that, too. But sometimes things get so shitty – like bombs at a marathon, or a string of girls committing suicide because they’ve been bullied about having been raped – that I need to turn to sources outside my head to remind me of the good in the world. And it is there. As Mr. Rogers said, “Look for the helpers.” They are there.

~TIAW on Pinterest and Tumblr.

~So this has been going around this week. A part of Dove’s Real Beauty campaign, a forensic artist was hired to draw women as they see themselves and then as seen by others. The comparisons are, unsurprisingly, quite contradictory. And then this post about Dove’s video has been going around. I’ve long had mixed feelings about this campaign by Dove. On the one hand they’re showing differently-sized women. On the other hand, they are still all nice and smooth and generally conventionally beautiful. And the thing is that Dove still has to sell a product. And the best way to sell a product is to make sure people feel like they need it. And for women to feel like they need it, they shouldn’t feel TOO good about themselves. Possibly more sinisterly, Dove is trying to make it look like they’re totally on your side. Because if you feel just the right amount of not-good-enough AND if you think Dove is on your side about all this media bullshit about how we’re told we have to look, then whose product will you reach for first?

I don’t know if I’m that skeptical, though. I like to believe that there are women who really do get it who are working their asses off on this project and doing the best they can within the parameters they are allowed to work (both from the corporation in charge and the patriarchy in charge). And then I also believe that the more types of bodies we see, the wider our view of beauty will become. And they are the only ones consistently showing differently-sized women. So there is a balance. As long as we can see it for what it actually is – a commercial – I think we can find goodness in it. But you guys? Don’t stop talking. Pick it all apart every time. It’s how we, as women, teach each other to really see what we are up against.

~I love that this woman makes no apologies for her body. I think the fact that this is one of the most embarrassing situations for women is the real problem. If fatness wasn’t so shameful, this wouldn’t be so embarrassing or hurtful. And that’s where I hope we can be someday.
~”I didn’t encourage tutus and tiaras… they just happened.”
~And on the flip side of that story: “You don’t think that will make him funny?” “I sure hope so.” BREAK ALL THE GENDER STEREOTYPES!!!
~Jen over at Epbot sums up bra fittings. Bookmarking all those links for next bra-buying trip.

~Stuff I pinned at my TIAW board.
~TIAW on Tumblr.
~You know who’s perfect? She is. And so are you. Really. Also, I’m all emotional. Can you pass the kleenex?

Before I go on, I want to say that I am a little bit broken this week. I learned of something that happened to a friend. Something that reflects rape culture and the blame-the-victim mentality that our society appears to be built on. Let me be clear here that what happened in my world was rather different in circumstances than the Steubenville events, but the societal and emotional effects were similar in many respects. But what kills me – I mean aside from the event itself, of course – is the fallout in the community. Lines were drawn. Sides were taken. SIDES. Plural. Like. Someone sided against the victim. Siding against the victim is exactly the same in effect as blaming the victim. I know I’ve been following and sharing info here on the Steubenville bullshit, but I still was not prepared for how hard it would hit me when it touched me personally, however remotely.

That’s all clear as mud to you, isn’t it? I know. This is like the blog version of vaguebooking. Sorry about that.

But my point is that we, especially us women, HAVE to stand together. We HAVE to be willing to look the truth in the face no matter how ugly or painful it is. We HAVE to open the communication about this so that our friends and our children know what is right and how to be strong. Our culture is broken and it won’t ever get fixed until we stand up together, embrace those who have been hurt, and stop turning the other way when people are hurting others.

Because fuck rape culture.

We are better than this. We HAVE to be better than this.

On that note:
~Here is something truly Awesome. Out of something ugly grew a movement where tweens are lifting each other up and embracing self-love. Hope for this world? Yes, I think so.

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~Stuff I pinned at my TIAW board.
~TIAW on Tumblr.
~Buzzfeed list of overweight people in advertising across the globe. Not exactly positive.
~Interesting when the tables are turned: Jon Hamm doesn’t want us talking about his penis for some reason. (And by “the tables” I meant that society is talking about a man’s privates. Not that Jon Hamm is talking about our penises.)
~THIS? Is exciting! An app that allows you to flag offensive advertising. It’s little things like this that make me hopeful that we can take our world and make it something amazing. If this becomes big, companies will have a lot more people demanding honest advertising. We can do it.
~Possibly my favorite thing today: Fully-dressed female superheroes.

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~Stuff I pinned at my TIAW board.
~TIAW on Tumblr.
~Women are people, too. As it turns out.
~It’s super easy to not rape drunk girls. As it turns out.
~Being skinny doesn’t magically grant happiness. As it turns out.
~Being conventionally pretty doesn’t necessarily mean your life will be easier. As it turns out.
~I’m going to do this and so should you.

I’m going to try to organize these links in a semi-chronological order that is also one that ends on a positive note. Because I need to believe humanity will get better.

~First I came across this article from The Raw Story about how CNN had done an entire story after the verdict was announced Sunday. They went on an on about how terrible it was to watch these boys’ lives fall apart, but not one of them said anything about the victim.
~Twitter was up in arms, calling the CNN reporters rape apologists.
~This article from Cosmo (huh) goes into a little more detail and makes some very good points as well.
~And then it starts to get darker. Turns out the judge warned the boys and their peers, essentially, to cover it up better next time. I mean. Maybe the judge could have said something more along the lines of, “Hey, kids! Don’t rape!” You think?
~This is an article that came across my desk more recently, and I am just done. I just can’t finish reading it. But it looks to be powerful. Steubenville: This is rape culture’s Abu Ghraib moment.
~But then. This. Fox News aired her name. Like. The ONLY reason I am still on this Earth right now is because of gravity.
~This article from Feministing is…. Just grab the Kleenex.
~This one is a mixed bag. On the one hand, two girls were harassing and threatening the victim, which makes me more stabby than I already am. On the other hand, they were arrested for it, and this quote, “Let me be clear, threatening a teenage rape victim will not be tolerated. If anyone makes a threat verbally or via the internet, we will take it seriously, we will find you, and we will arrest you,” gives me a little bit of hope back. Someone out there is watching out for her, protecting her. Not everyone is bad.
~Henry Rollins has some ideas on how to change the world so that rape culture becomes a thing of the past.
~How else can we change this? By teaching boys not to rape, teaching them how to help, teaching them to be kind.
~And when we see something horrible happening to someone, we must step in. No matter how hard it is. No matter what they threaten us with. The woman whose blog started this whole thing has been through so much. She’s been sued, she’s lost her best friend. She doesn’t regret it one bit. We need that kind of bravery because as long as we live in a rape culture, those of us who want to end it are dangerously in the minority.
~And this one. This one made me decide to go ahead and stay on the planet for a little longer. There are good, brave, loving people out there. And I do believe we can win in the end. It will be a hard fucking fight, but we can do it.

What can you do? Pigtail Pals has a good list of things you can do to help on their Facebook page. Sign the petitions, write some letters. Let’s end rape culture. Now.

Need something to lower your blood pressure for awhile? This kitten will help.

I think, much like Pinterest, Tumblr will be an excellent resource for TIAW. I’m really looking forward to finding more self-love inspiration to share with you. Here’s the post that made me realize I needed to get on this bandwagon.

Follow me here: http://thisisawoman.tumblr.com

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~Stuff I pinned at my TIAW board.
~”The Deep Spiritual Practice of Not Giving a Shit” <--I need not say anymore. Except maybe that this is my favorite thing in a long time.
~Here’s a story of an awesome dad.
~Bit of a bummer, I’ve been looking forward to seeing the new Oz movie. I suppose, if this article holds true, it could, at the very least, become an interesting discussion with my 10 year old daughter.
~Mayim Bialik and her awesome hairy legs.
~A really great video about the appropriate use of the word “gay”.
~This one isn’t specific to women, but it’s certainly a story that many women will relate to. Either themselves, or as someone who knows someone who has struggled with addiction. Russell Brand turns out to be a phenomenal writer who openly shares his personal experience with addiction. I strongly suggest you read this and then pass it on because the more people who can understand addiction, the more people addicts will have to help them overcome it.
~This one was written a couple of weeks ago after the Oscars and all that shit went down, but I’m sharing it because it’s relevant always. It really bothers me that cunt is a bad word. I mean the WORST word you could possibly think of is a name for the actual feminine parts. WTF? Maybe it’s because I somehow missed hearing the word at all until I was nearly an adult, but I still think fuck is way worse in terms of shock value. And by that I guess I mean it shocks ME more because the evidence points to otherwise for I think every other person on this planet. In any case, I don’t mind the word at all – if it’s being used to describe my, well, my cunt. I don’t like it as a derogatory term anymore than I like pussy as a derogatory term. My hoo-ha is not your insult. Just like that video in a previous link about the word gay, use better words for your insults instead.